the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
