It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
