he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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