I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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