our cab driver is having phone sex.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
