you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
