ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
