this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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