I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
