I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.