currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
