There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
