see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
