see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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