I feel like abortions should bother me more
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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