Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
