You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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