I'm so fucking centered right now
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
