u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
