he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
A+ Viking dick
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
