I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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