well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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