This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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