whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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