This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
