Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
