I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
