we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
