This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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