I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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