I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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