At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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