my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
