apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
This baby is an asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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