Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
