Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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