Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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