my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
