Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
