Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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