My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
