Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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