Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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