im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
