So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
