dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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