Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
