Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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