Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
