I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
