we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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