Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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