I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
