So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
