I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
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