I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
