I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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