Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
