Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
