we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
